The present is not a waiting room
The present is not a waiting room. It took me over 30 years to write and feel this. I said it, heard it, read it and wrote about it many times. I shared it with others. Gave advice on how to « live in the present ». My mind had x-steps to make to do it. But never really felt it. Embraced it. Understood its meaning.
Through the emotional healing and repair I have been going through for more than 15 years and lately the group and individual psycho-somatic work I have been exposed to and continue to pursue, I finally understood that my past dictated how I acted (small t traumas I have been unaware I had for a large portion of my existence).
And that my « life » was lived in the future. In the next promotion, vacation, celebration, book on my « to read » list, training to pursue, walk to make, yoga class to attend, meal to prepare and the list can go on and on and on.
I can hardly remember any time of my life when, on my own, I just enjoyed the moment I lived in, the breath I took in the now.
My emotional hyperarousal couldn’t just « be », because it was too much to take in the moment. Too painful. Too much healing to go through on my own. Without guidance. Without support and true connection.
So, my response was to be in a continuous « running mode », chasing inexistent preys. Even during breathwork, my mind would start wondering at the future times when I would be able to focus better.
The disconnect from my body was extreme. To the point of ignoring many, way too many signals of how my emotional pain needs care and attention. Even after having life-threatening surgeries, and yes, the plural is correct, I carried on ignoring the path towards healing. The only moments I can remember feeling connected to my body were moments of love making, of touch, of profound connection and pleasure. It’s not by hazard that we get hurt in relationships and we get healed in relationships too. The wanting to heal, the desire to be a good partner to my husband and that part of me that somewhere, somehow knew that while I am fucked up and broken, I am not an impossible case, pushed me to keep seeking, trying and exploring.
The work I have been doing on myself and will continue to do, to be in a balanced emotional state, has finally allowed me to accept that just being is enough. That my being and existence suffice for me to have a place in the world. The courage to accept my vulnerabilities and to take in the emotional pain of going through the pain, the acceptance that the only way forward is delayering, but one by one, the heavy and painful wounds and crusts that made my shell a thick one, the impossible to count tears, notebooks filled with hours and hours of forgiving my parents for not knowing better, for grieving my sad childhood and for showing compassion to the little Ondine that has suppressed her - self to be able to survive.
The many many many many steps I have taken to get to this point, allow me to write this now. Now. Without my attention span wondering on how I will get judged or sugarcoating the message. Without thinking I need to hurry up on my next « to do » of life. I am now. I am grateful for being. I am and this is enough.
